Anyone who has read George Orwell’s 1984 will be familiar with newspeak.
In a bid to crush free thinking and creativity the IngSoc party - the government of the dystopian Orwellian future - erase words from the English language to create a stunted charmless functional new lexicon.
Those who are yet to read the novel but have spent anytime working in an office, will still be familiar with Bizspeak.
To sound intelligent businessmen and women invent, twist or change the meaning of existing words to create a corporate langauge of jargon filled unintelligible bollocks which makes normal people curl thier toes in pure cringeworthiness.
The Bizspeak top 5
Synergy
Meaning two forces working together. Used as team name in The Apprentice every season. The word is not actually new, it’s Ancient Greek, but has been seized by corporates. Usually used just after a merger and right again before most of the new people - who fail to synergise - get the boot.
Value-add
Apparently when providing a service, it is not only the service itself which is important. It is also the value added by said service. Used by companies who are too crap to provide the service promised in the first place.
Touchbase
Apparently “lets touchbase” is Bizspeak for “let’s have a meeting”. Often said using microphone headsets, grinning stupidly and leaning back in an wheeled office chair. Also has to be said loud enough for the rest of the office to hear. Why touchbase without anyone else knowing?
Moving forward
This one is a staple of salesfolk. Quite why you cannot simply say ‘the future’ when you are selling toner remains a mystery.
Skill-set
A skill-set is always discussed when a new person joins a firm and simply means skills, or in most cases, the number of lies told on a CV. “His/her skill set is in synergy with what we need at this company, after we touched base last week we had to offer them the job due to their value add”.
Monday, 25 October 2010
My issues with Bizspeak
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3 comments:
I hate the term idea shower which some companies tried to bring in to replace the universally accepted brain storming because it might offend epileptics. As an epileptic I find idea shower offensive because nobody thought to ask us. I now put people right when ever I hear somebody use bloody idea shower.
Sorry for the rant
Don't forget 'incentivise'... completely made up word and it's printed all the dang time.
'Dynamism'. In a work context this often involves the 'dynamic' person walking fast around the office in a smart suit. The said person may often talk quite fast and include a number of the words mentioned above in their conversations. All in an effort to show that they have more dynamism than others. In reality, someone's ability to do their job has little connection to how fast they walk, how fast they talk or how expensive their suit is.
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